Peer Edits

I edited Amy Palmby's feature story:

1. What are some areas that could use more detail? Why?
It would be interesting to hear more about what you did in the control tower with your dad. How were you able to be up there without it becoming such a big deal like it did in JFK? This might make the story a little easier to follow.

2. What additional sources might the author use? Does the lead involve you in the story?
You can use the news stories from CNN or the New York Times or something, and maybe even the FAA reports and statements. That might explain how big of a deal this incident actually became.
The lead was pretty good, but you can probably tie it into your story a little more. Maybe take out the part about visiting your mother, since it has nothing to do with being in the control tower.

3. Does the story contain a well defined scene (a detailed description of someone doing something or something happening)? What is it? If not, make a suggestion for a scene that might work.
Yes, you describe the times when you visited your father really well, it makes a lot of sense with the rest of your story. These descriptions also explain your connection with the happening at JFK, which is good.

4. What would you like to see or hear more of? Less of? Include, any other suggestions you have for improvement.
You can take out the parts about visiting your mother, but everything else seems good. See if you can add more about how you got into the tower with your father, and why it wasn't a big deal.


I edited Amira Ansari's feature story:

1. What are some areas that could use more detail? Why?
You should add more to the ending, about how your mom got better. It seems like you talked a lot about how she got sick and how the operations were, but it ends abruptly.

2. What additional sources might the author use? Does the lead involve you in the story?
You might be able to add more information about staph infections, and what they do exactly. Try using WebMD or some other medical website. You did have some information about it, which helped me understand what was happening.
The lead was pretty good because it can relate to a lot of people. You should mention that this happened during the Swine Flu freak out, which made it an even bigger deal.

3. Does the story contain a well defined scene (a detailed description of someone doing something or something happening)? What is it? If not, make a suggestion for a scene that might work.
Yes, you describe the scenes where your mom got sick. You might be able to add more about the hospital and/or your mom's hospital room, the waiting room [I'm guessing you spent a lot of time there].

4. What would you like to see or hear more of? Less of? Include, any other suggestions you have for improvement.
I don't think you should take anything out, but try to add more about your mom's recovery process. It must have been hard for her to get better after so much, so add some more detail about that. It will also act as a good conclusion.